You Belong Here

As I watched my fifth-grade daughter navigate the painful experience of being suddenly excluded from her friend group this week, I found myself reflecting on patterns I've personally experienced throughout my life: the "mean girl" phenomenon that, when left unchecked, evolves into exclusionary adult behavior.

This isn't just about typical childhood drama. There's something specific about the way some girls learn early on that social power comes from deciding who belongs and who doesn't. As someone who has been on the receiving end of this exclusion, both as a child and as an adult woman of color, I recognize these dynamics all too well.

What I Witnessed This Week

My daughter came home devastated after her friend group of several months suddenly decided she was "out." There were no major conflicts or disagreements—just the arbitrary exercise of social power. The ringleader simply decided it was time for a change. What struck me most was how quickly the other girls fell in line, unwilling to risk their own standing by showing kindness to my suddenly ostracized child.

As I comforted her, memories of my own similar experiences came flooding back.

When Exclusion Follows Us into Adulthood

These playground politics don't simply disappear with age. Without intervention, mean girls often grow into women who continue these exclusionary practices in their social circles, workplaces, and communities. The tactics become more sophisticated, but the core behavior remains: using exclusion as power, creating in-groups and out-groups, and deriving status from deciding who belongs.

As a woman of color, I've experienced additional layers to this exclusion throughout my life. What began as simple playground rejection evolved into more complex forms of marginalization that often intersected with racial and cultural biases.

The Role of Privilege in Exclusionary Behavior

Children with social privilege—whether from race, class, or other factors—often benefit from systems that view their social aggression as "just being girls" rather than recognizing the harm it causes. They typically face fewer consequences for these actions and are more likely to see this behavior rewarded with social status.

As parents, especially those of us who have experienced this exclusion firsthand, we have a unique opportunity to break this cycle with the next generation.

Raising Inclusive Children from an Informed Perspective

Here are approaches I'm committed to implementing, informed by my own experiences of exclusion:

Name exclusionary behavior when you see it. Don't dismiss it as "girls being girls" or normal social development. Call it what it is and explain why it's harmful.

Share your own stories. As someone who has experienced this exclusion, I can share age-appropriate versions of my own experiences to help my daughter understand the lasting impact these behaviors can have.

Teach empathy as a core value. Help your child imagine how it feels to be on the receiving end of exclusion, especially when that exclusion might have additional dimensions to it.

Encourage boundary-setting without exclusion. Children can learn to establish healthy boundaries without weaponizing social rejection against others.

Model inclusive behavior yourself. Our children watch how we interact with others, who we welcome into our homes, and whose calls we return.

Create consequences for exclusionary behavior. If your child is excluding others, don't ignore it. Implement appropriate consequences and require reconciliation where possible.

Breaking the Cycle

As I help my daughter navigate her current painful situation, I'm trying to balance validating her hurt with teaching her resilience—a resilience I've had to develop myself over years of similar experiences. But I'm also using this as an opportunity to reinforce that she never participates in causing this kind of pain to others.

Having been on the receiving end of exclusion throughout my life gives me a particular insight and urgency in addressing these behaviors. My hope is that by sharing these reflections, parents of all backgrounds will recognize the importance of actively teaching inclusivity, so that we can collectively raise a generation that builds communities rather than hierarchies.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

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